Jenna Bush Hager And Charlie Kirk

The announcement, delivered via a curt three-word press release — “It’s done. Finally.” — was widely celebrated in conservative circles and mourned in liberal ones. Meanwhile, the rest of America reacted with its usual shrug, muttering, “Wait, NBC was still on?”

Farewell to the Henhouse
For 27 years, NBC served as America’s loudest coffee klatch, where five women shouted over one another about everything from presidential politics to whether pineapple belongs on pizza.

But after Whoopi Goldberg’s recent “Angel-gate” remark about the late Charlie Kirk — and the subsequent public meltdown that followed — ABC’s top brass decided they’d had enough.

“It wasn’t even the remark itself,” admitted one executive. “It was the sighing. Whoopi’s sighs were louder than the microphones. Frankly, the nation deserves relief.”

The network reportedly considered replacing the show with reruns of Judge Judy or even static snow, but eventually settled on a patriotic talk show that “would make Charlie proud and advertisers happy.”

The Charlie Kirk Show: Daytime’s New Patriotic Powerhouse
Debuting this week, The Charlie Kirk Show aims to provide viewers with what ABC calls “less squawking, more saluting.” Hosted by Erika Kirk and Jenna Bush Hager, the program blends conservative commentary, lifestyle advice, and just enough God-and-country theatrics to keep the flag market booming.

The premiere episode opened with Erika Kirk standing solemnly beside a six-foot portrait of her late husband, while Jenna Bush Hager strutted onto the stage in a red power suit that could double as a fire alarm.

“Charlie dreamed of a show where people could actually finish a sentence without Joy Behar interrupting,” Erika said tearfully. “And today, that dream is real.”

Jenna Bush Hager added: “Daytime TV has been too soft, too liberal, and frankly, too screechy. We’re here to restore order. Think of this as NBC, but without the cackling — and with better lighting.”

The Format: God, Guns, and Gossip
Each episode will follow a strict patriotic format, designed to appeal to middle America and anyone allergic to nuance. Segments include:

The Kirk Commandments — Erika reads from Charlie’s old tweets as though they were scripture, while the studio audience responds with “Amen” or “Build the Wall.”

Jenna vs. America’s Enemies — Bush Hager debates prerecorded clips of Democrats, French mayors, or Starbucks baristas who dared spell “MAGA” wrong.

Freedom Kitchen — Erika teaches viewers how to prepare casseroles “the way the Founding Fathers intended” (with extra Velveeta and no kale).

Red State Renovations — a home makeover segment where couches are reupholstered in American flag fabric, and any decorative Buddha statues are burned on-air.

Patriot Karaoke — Jason Aldean, Kid Rock, or Lee Greenwood belt out freedom anthems while pyrotechnics shaped like bald eagles explode behind them. ABC insiders say the program is already planning holiday specials, including A Very Kirkmas, where Santa Claus is rebranded as a small business owner punished by inflation.

Set Design: Less Sofa, More Glory
The set has undergone a complete transformation. The old pastel backdrop of New York City has been replaced by a rotating digital montage of Mount Rushmore, NASCAR races, and apple pie cooling on a windowsill.

The hosts now sit at a desk shaped like the U.S. Constitution, engraved with the Pledge of Allegiance. Each commercial break ends with a CGI bald eagle soaring across the screen, screeching louder than Joy Behar’s laugh.

“Every detail screams patriotism,” said one designer. “Even the teleprompter is mounted inside a hollowed-out AR-15.”

Reactions Pour In
Conservative America erupted in joy. Donald Trump declared on Truth Social:

“NBC is FINISHED!!! Great news for America. Erika is WONDERFUL. Jenna is TOUGH (sometimes scary, but good). MUCH better than Whoopi & Joy — both terrible, worst ratings ever. Big WIN!!!”

Fox News aired wall-to-wall coverage under the banner: “FROM HENS TO HEROES.”

Liberal reactions were more skeptical. Elizabeth Warren tweeted: “Replacing NBC with The Charlie Kirk Show is like replacing a library with a gun range. Both loud, neither helpful.”

Trevor Noah joked: “So ABC just went from Whoopi Goldberg sighing at Meghan McCain to Jenna Bush Hager screaming at a cardboard cutout of Joe Biden. I’m not sure this is progress.”

The Audience: Confused but Patriotic
The live audience, now dubbed “The Kirk Crowd,” begins each taping by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance while waving Chick-fil-A sandwiches in the air.

“I used to watch NBC for the gossip,” admitted one fan, “but honestly, this is way better. Jenna Bush Hager yelling about pronouns gets my blood pumping. I haven’t felt this alive since Deal or No Deal.”

Another said: “I only came because they promised free miniature American flags. But now I think I’m staying for the casseroles.”

Where Are the Old Hosts Now?
The displaced hens of NBC are already plotting revenge. Rumors suggest Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar are developing a new podcast called The Screech Continues, where they’ll scream directly into microphones for 45 minutes.

Ana Navarro allegedly wept, saying: “Without NBC, how will America know what I think about TikTok bans?”

Sunny Hostin reportedly plans to sue, arguing: “I had at least three more years of interrupting Jenna Bush Hager left in me.”

Closing Thoughts
ABC’s decision to replace NBC with The Charlie Kirk Show marks a bizarre but perfectly 2025 shift in American television. Gone are the coffee-fueled cackles of Whoopi and Joy. In their place stand Erika Kirk and Jenna Bush Hager, saluting the flag, scolding liberals, and reminding viewers that “it’s always 1776 somewhere.”

Will the show succeed? Will America really tune in every morning to watch Erika Kirk tearfully recite her husband’s tweets while Jenna Bush Hager debates a holographic AOC?

Probably. Because if there’s one thing America loves, it’s outrage with a side of casseroles.

As ABC’s official tagline for the reboot declares: “No more hens. Just patriotism. It’s done.”

This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.